Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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