I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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