Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
