I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
