I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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