Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
