i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
