I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
