please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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