Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
