My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm passing your future prison.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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