my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
