Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
