My liver just broke up with me...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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