i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
