I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
