she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
