Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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