I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
