def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
