So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
