I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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