One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize