Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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