dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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