Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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