:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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