should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
