Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
