happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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