i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
