my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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