im about as happy as oj after his trial
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just want to make out with him forever
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I am one with the molecules
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize