Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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