I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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