i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
