and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
