Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
