dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
