kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
