Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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