I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My vagina is officially offended.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
