Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
