:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
