i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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