I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So apparently I’m into choking now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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