some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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