Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My feet surprised me
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
