Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
