dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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