I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You pole danced in your parka.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
