i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
