im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
