are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
