In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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