The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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