Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
