I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
