i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
