She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
