your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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