I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
