Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
