Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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